If you were like me, you probably knew what the word “boundaries” meant but had no idea what they actually were let alone how to identify them.
You may have thought boundaries are to keep other people out and away from you. Some boundaries are physical like brick walls and some are mental, emotional and energetic ‘walls’.
I’ve come to learn that boundaries are a healthy way to look after our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. They can help keep feelings of disappointment, anger, and resentment at bay as we learn not to overextend ourselves for others.
Like many things in life, boundaries are on a continuum. Some may be rigid by keeping others at a distance and avoid close relationships, some may be loose to non-existent by getting too involved in other people’s problems and pleasing people in fear of rejection.
Many of us have a mix of boundaries depending on the situation. For example, you might have rigid boundaries at work and more relaxed ones at home with family and friends.
In a nutshell, it’s knowing how to separate your feelings or ‘stuff’ from someone else’s. As human beings we have our own thoughts, memories, and lived experiences, and sometimes that can become very blurred with someone else’s. Boundaries are healthy for helping you identify and keep that space.
Psychologist Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo
Personal boundaries are vital but not always easy to establish.Still, with a few helpful tips, setting and communicating boundaries becomes easier.
Here’s how to identify your personal boundaries and steps to put them in place.
1. Reflect on Your Needs and Values
Understanding your personal needs and values is the first step in identifying your boundaries. Take some time to think about what’s most important to you. Ask yourself:
- What activities make me feel energized and happy, and which ones leave me drained?
- What are my core values, and how do they guide my choices?
- What do I need to feel balanced and fulfilled?
Answering these questions will give you a clear idea of where you need to set boundaries.
2. Recognise Your Limits
Everyone has limits, and it’s essential to recognise yours. Pay attention to your physical, emotional, and mental reactions in different situations. Signs that you may be pushing your limits include:
- Feeling overwhelmed or anxious
- Experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or fatigue
- Noticing a drop in your productivity or motivation
Recognising these signs early can help you set boundaries before reaching burnout.
3. Define Your Boundaries
Once you’ve reflected on your needs and recognized your limits, it’s time to define your boundaries. Be specific about what you need to maintain your well-being. For example:
- Work hours: “I won’t respond to work emails after 6 PM.”
- Personal time: “I need at least one hour of ‘me time’ each day.”
- Social interactions: “I’ll keep social activities to weekends to have downtime during the week.”
Clearly defining your boundaries makes it easier to communicate them to others and stick to them yourself.
4. Communicate Your Boundaries
Effective communication is key to establishing and maintaining boundaries. When discussing your boundaries with others, be assertive but friendly. Here are some tips:
- Use “I” statements: “I need some quiet time to focus on my work.”
- Be direct and clear: “I’m not available for meetings after 5 PM.”
- Explain the reason, if necessary: “I need this time to recharge so I can be more productive.”
Communicating your boundaries helps others understand and respect your needs.
5. Stick to Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries is one thing, but sticking to them is another. Here are some strategies to help you maintain your boundaries:
- Remind yourself why your boundaries are important and the benefits they bring.
- Practice self-discipline and say no when necessary, even if it’s tough.
- Use tools and techniques to help manage your time and energy, like scheduling breaks and using time management apps.
Consistently sticking to your boundaries is key to maintaining your well-being.
Life is always changing, and your boundaries may need to change too. Regularly review your boundaries to make sure they still fit your needs and values. Be open to adjusting them as your circumstances change. For example, if you start a new project at work, you might need to set new boundaries around your time and energy.
There you have it, your step by step guide to setting personal boundaries.
Research also shows blurred boundaries, particularly between work and home life, unhealthier lifestyles and lower levels of happiness, along with a higher risk of family conflict. You can find the top 3 workplace boundaries HERE.
Remember, boundaries aren’t about limiting your life but about creating a space where you can thrive and be your best self.
Stay tuned x
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