In our fast-paced, success-driven world, it’s easy to forget about the most important relationship we have—the one with ourselves. Many of us are our own harshest critics, constantly judging our shortcomings and imperfections.
You’ve probably heard of the word compassion and can easily show compassion to others. My question today is, how compassionate are you towards yourself? Have you ever asked ‘how do I show myself compassion?’
If your answer is, “I don’t” or “I don’t know how to” then this post is for you.
Compassion is derived from the Latin words: cum (together with) and patior (suffer). Essentially meaning ‘to suffer with’. Which I guess for a lot of us, this is the problem. We don’t know how ‘to suffer with’ or how to do it in a way that’s kind rather than harsh judgements.
Psychologist Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, describes self-compassion as involving treating yourself with care, concern, and understanding during times of difficulty, rather than with harsh judgment or self-criticism. She has outlined self-compassion having three core components:
- Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves rather than harshly critical.
- Common humanity vs. isolation: Recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience.
- Mindfulness vs. over-identification: Keeping painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness, rather than over-identifying with them or suppressing them.
When we are compassionate with ourselves, it improves our emotional resilience and we are less likely to experience negative feelings like shame, frustration, or inadequacy. This fosters a healthier mindset and allows us to recover from setbacks more easily.
Self-compassion helps us build a supportive inner dialogue allowing us to feel safe enough to explore our vulnerabilities and grow from them. By cultivating kindness towards ourselves, we begin to develop a foundation of trust and respect within—this, in turn, improves our relationship with others and the world around us.
Here are some steps to help you get started in practicing self compassion.
😔 Acknowledge that you are in pain and feel hurt. You need to recognise and accept the emotional response you are having. Instead of pushing your feelings aside, allow yourself to feel them (easier said than done- I know). Validate your experience without judgment. For example, you might say, “This is a tough moment, and it’s okay that I feel upset.”
🎀 Once you recognise your emotional response, pay attention to your inner dialogue. If you notice self-critical thoughts, try to replace them with more gentle, supportive ones. Think of how you would speak to a loved one in a similar situation, and apply that same care to yourself. A simple phrase like, “I’m doing the best I can right now,” can help.
🧑🤝🧑 Difficult times can sometimes feel like it’s only happening to you, remind yourself that you’re not alone in your struggles. Everyone faces challenges, makes mistakes, and experiences pain. Understanding that imperfection is part of the human experience helps you cultivate compassion for yourself. Say to yourself, “It’s okay—everyone feels this way sometimes.”
🧘🏽 Mindfulness is key to self-compassion. This means being present with your thoughts and feelings without getting overwhelmed by them. When negative emotions arise, acknowledge them without judgment, and allow them to pass without clinging to them. Breathing exercises or a short meditation can help you stay centered.
🚫 Setting healthy boundaries and taking time for self-care are essential acts of self-compassion. Make time for activities that nourish you, this could be anything from a walk in nature, journaling, or spending time with loved ones—whatever helps you reconnect with yourself.
💛 Learn how to forgive yourself (and others) making mistakes and experiencing failures are inevitable parts of life, and holding onto them only fosters shame and self-criticism. Practice forgiveness by accepting that you are imperfect, just like everyone else, and that it’s okay to fall short sometimes.
Start small and practice daily acts of self-compassion. Remember, you deserve the same kindness you so readily give to others. The more you nurture this relationship with yourself, the more grounded and connected you’ll feel—both within and in your relationships with others.