If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” to something when your heart is screaming “no,” you’re not alone!
People pleasing is a common behavior that many of us struggle with. Whether it’s agreeing to extra work, attending events we don’t enjoy, or even just pretending to like something to fit in, it’s all part of the people pleasing puzzle. So, why is it so hard to stop?
It’s not because you can’t say “no”.
Most of us have the ability to say the word and understand its meaning.
I’m going to say for the majority of people-pleasers, they have come to learn that they are only safe if they say yes.
“‘I’ll only be liked..”
“I’ll only be loved..”
“I’ll only be accepted..”
“I’ll only be worthy..”
….IF I say “yes”.
Our Nervous System responses are adapted from our conditioning and life experiences. We learn to fawn or people please because we are in an environment that teaches us we only receive love/ safety/worth/connection IF we appease the others around us.
Let’s cover a few reasons behind this tricky habit.
👉 External Validation.
Remember the star system from your school days? You’ll get a gold star IF you please others to get validation. From a young age, we’re taught to seek approval from others. For a lot of us as we grow up, this desire for approval can become ingrained. We start to associate our worth with how others perceive us. It feels good to be liked and appreciated, right? So, we keep doing things to maintain that positive image even if it’s something we don’t want to do.
👉 Conflict Avoidance
How many times have we agreed to something to ‘keep the peace’?. People pleasing often stems from a desire to avoid conflict. By saying “yes” and going along with what others want, we minimize the risk of arguments. It’s a way of protecting ourselves from the discomfort of confrontation.
👉 Low Self Esteem
Self-esteem describes how you think and feel about yourself. When we don’t feel confident in ourselves, we look outside of ourselves for validation. Pleasing others becomes a way to feel valued and worthy. If you constantly seek approval and fear rejection, it might be because deep down, you don’t feel good enough on your own.
You’ll find that these reasons often interplay with one another and can cause a vicious cycle. So how do you break the cycle?
Here’s a few things that will get you started.
⭐ Practice saying “no”
First start with small things and practice saying no to people who are not close friends or family. As you get more comfortable with saying no you can move onto bigger requests and to people who you always say yes to.
⭐ Take a pause
Before you answer someone’s request, take a pause to reflect on what your true answer is. You can always say “let me get back to you” or “I’ll check my calendar and let you know” or it can even be “yes and I can give you 2 hours of my time”.
⭐ Set boundaries
Boundaries are not there to keep others out, they play a vital role to protect your values and wellbeing. They are not easy to set, you can check out one of our previous posts on Personal Boundaries.
People pleasing is a habit and we all know habits can be tough to break. If you are ready to take the first step towards change, start by understanding your reasons behind the habit. These reasons will give you some insight to where you can adjust some of your behaviour to benefit YOU in the long run.
It’s A-OKAY to prioritise yourself and your needs. You can’t pour from an empty cup ✨
Stay tuned x
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